I miss my kids. I miss the street-kids from Toronto. True sometimes they could be nasty, sometimes they actually scared the hell out of me, but mostly they weren’t like that, and I don’t blame them for the times they were. I wonder what I would be like if I was in their situations. Mostly though they were just like kids. Maybe more broken than most but, more often than not, more beautiful as well. Every now and again I wonder about the connection between those two, between brokenness and beauty… I loved those kids.
People who have never been loved – not in a true way, not a way where they are loved for who they, not for something they can offer – are often quite puzzled by it. They don’t trust it at first. “No, that’s too good to be true. There’s gotta be a catch somewhere.” So they feel me out, they come at me from different angles, sometimes they offer me all the things they’re used to offering when someone treats them that way. “This person shows love to me… it must mean that he wants me.” But they keep coming back. They can’t escape it. It’s too intriguing, too strong for them to escape… too much like something they never imagined possible. So they come back. Love is a powerful thing.
Yet as the relationship deepens and they start to realise the nature of my love for them other thoughts start running through their minds. This time its related to shame, to guilt, to self-worth. “No, I’m not what this person sees me as. No, I am not lovable. I don’t deserve this. I deserve the hatred, the shame, the hurt… not this.” And so little by little I will hear more of their stories. “Listen man, I’m not like that, I’ve done all sorts of shit you don’t know about.” But I just keep loving them. “Sure, you’ve done all that, but that’s not what defines you. The way I see you… that’s closer to who you really are.” And so it goes on, until eventually they tell you everything. Not only about their past but about what they did last weekend, what happened last night. Of course I just keep loving them. Really it’s not that hard. They’re beautiful kids… and really they never had a chance.
And I’ve realised something. It’s the sacrament of confession and absolution that’s going on here. The words are all different, nobody’s explicitly asking for forgiveness and I’m not explicitly offering it but that’s what’s happening.
By loving these kids, by accepting these kids as who they are, even in the midst of everything that’s going on, I am manifesting God’s love for them and providing them with a glimpse of what they will one day fully encounter. The fact that I love and accept them is the first proof that God does too. I embody the forgiveness of sins by loving them and suffering with them. By laughing with them and crying with them.
You see, a lot of these kids never make it out. A lot of these kids die. They’re murdered, they overdose, they commit suicide. A lot of these kids are so broken they just never heal. A lot of these kids die without any sense of knowing God. “Yeah sure, I used to pray, but that didn’t stop anything that was happening to me. Maybe God’s out there, maybe not… I just know God doesn’t do anything for me.” Yet I am convinced that, when the time comes for God to make all things new, these kids will be welcomed home. You see, they do know God they just don’t realise it. The love inside of me that drew them to me, that made them love me, that was God. On that day they’ll realise, “Holy shit! I do know God. I met God in Dan.” And then they’ll probably look embarrassed that they just swore in front of God but God will just laugh and say, “Hey, watch your fucking mouth you little shit.” And we’ll all be laughing too hard to notice that we’re crying until we realise God has gone by and wiped all our tears dry.
Maranatha. Come quickly, Lord Jesus. Come quickly.
October 2004
Universalism: Part One
I disagree with the general Christian approach to the doctrine of original sin. We are NOT born as sinful beings. Original sin is not a metaphysical doctrine, it is a social one. We are not born sinful, but we are born into systems of sin.
Of course this quickly resolves the whole dilemma about what happens when innocent children die, etc.
However, as we grow-up in our societies we blindly participate in systems of sin, oppression and death, and as such we become sinful. At this point ignorance is no excuse. I may not have realised my money was supporting child-labour but it was. I may not have realised I was treating women as objects, but I was.
So, although I was once born innocent, I am born into a sinful world and thereby become sinful.
That's why Paul keeps saying that our battle is not with flesh and blood but with powers and principalities. Some charismatics have taken this way out on a tangent and developed intricate diagrams of spiritual beings and their ranks, etc, etc. Really Paul is attacking the social structures of the Roman Empire when he writes this way.
The powers and principalities are sin and death. And it is these that Jesus defeated on the cross. They are ideologies. They are all the things that claim the place of God in our lives yet destroy right relationship in doing so. Racism, Sexism, Capitalism, Patriotism… They are also corporations and businesses. Nike, The Gap, Shell, MicroSoft… These are the structures of sin that exist in our society.
And it is these, I would like to suggest, that are damned to hell, it is these that are damned to annihilation. God is in the process of saving the world, of making all things new. These structures of sin and death and the only things that will not be redeemed. All else will be ushered in. Death after all is not a presence but an absence. When God is fully present there is no room for death.
And this is why Christians are now called to announce the forgiveness of sins. Somewhere along the way we've gotten it all wrong. We've been announcing judgment when we should be announcing grace. No, you are not damned, you are beloved! No, you are not tainted, you are beautiful! No, you are not being cast out, you are being welcomed home! What Christ has accomplished has been achieved for all.
The thing is that Christians also need to be living in a way that signals that the powers and principalities have been defeated if their message is to be heard. “It is by the church living as the one believing community, in which barriers of race, class, gender and so forth are irrelevant for membership, and to holding of office that the principalities and powers are informed in no uncertain terms that their time is up, that there is a new way of being human” (Wright). That's why John says that they will know we are Christians by our love.
Of course we can announce the forgiveness of sins. Israel wasn't called to be God's people so that they could be saved while the rest of the world wasn't. No, election was all about saving the world. Abraham was called so that all the earth would be blessed. So, now, after Jesus, it just doesn't makes sense to say God has called a different group of people while the rest of the world is damned. No, God, in his love, is saving the world and making us all new.
Funerals
don’t ask me why I’m crying
i’m not gonna tell you what’s wrong
i’m just gonna sit on your lap
for five dollars a song
i want you to pay me for my beauty
i think it’s only right
cause I have been paying for it
all of my life
– Ani DiFranco, “Letter to a John”
I’m gonna take the money I make
and I’m gonna go away
When I read that Martha had died…
When I read that…
When…
Will.
Susi.
Ellis.
And now Martha.
How many more people are going to die this fall?
People say that it’s the way I carry the suffering of others that gives them hope, inspiration, whatever. But I’m tired of that. I’m tired of crying. I’m tired of hurting. I can’t say I didn’t ask for this because I did. It’s just I didn’t know what I was asking for. I thought it was heroic, tragic, romantic, to pursue suffering love. I didn’t think it would be so… tangible.
Sometimes I wish more than anything else that I could just let it all go.
Well, that’s not entirely true.
Sometimes I want to wish more than anything else that I could just let it all go.
But I never do.
Fucking Christians. I’m tired of being what you’re supposed to be. Fuck you for abandoning the broken and abandoning your identity in doing so. Fuck you for forcing crosses on the backs of those who understand what it means to follow Jesus.
they think I make a big deal
about nothing
but they still think I’m kinda cute
they joke about the status quo
to break the ice
once the ice is broken
I hope they all fall through
because this is no joke to me
they don’t fool me with their acts
of sensitivity
they too shall pass
just like everyone who’s only here
for my ass
– Ani DiFranco, “The Waiting Song”
and I can’t wait, oh I can’t wait
till they get their due
"Garden of Simple"
Laughing, we were laughing. And in the midst of it all my brothers phoned to say they missed me and they loved me.
“I keep going to different get-togethers and expecting you to show up until I remember, 'Oh yeah, Dan's not coming.'”
Then I return to the laughter. The conversation has shifted and one of my friends is being teased about her fear of clowns. Somebody brings up an old episode from, of all things, 'Little House on the Prairie' in which a girl is kidnapped and raped by a clown. Now they tell her not just to watch out for clowns but to watch out for clowns because they might rape her.
“Ohhhh, that would be aweful!”
But she's not so much talking about being raped as being raped by a clown. And she's laughing as she says it. Everybody's laughing. And I… I guess I sort of shut down. I stopped laughing and couldn't really start again.
I once had a dear friend write me a poem that said this:
Joy for her in loving a friend
whose conscience burdens him with the crimes of others
not just his own.
A lucky chance to widen her heart.
But I don't think it's the crimes of others I carry. It's their wounds. It seems that all my personal wounds have healed. Yet always I am carrying the wounds of others and these – these have no time to heal. Everywhere I go, every circle I move in, they are ripped open again. How can people laugh at such a thing when I can hardly bring myself to write the word in my journal? These wounds will not heal until the other has been healed. And what chance do they have? If this is how it is for me, how is it for those who carry such wounds on their bodies?
Alas for situations like these. It seems hope has no place here. Not because it comes across as far-fetched, it's just that it feels inappropriate. Hope: nice idea, it just doesn't fit this context. There's no frame of reference to put it in, it just floats around without meaning.
but in the garden of simple
where all of us are nameless
you were never anything but beautiful to me
and, you know, they never really owned you
you just carried them around
and then one day you put 'em down
and found your hands were free
– Ani DiFranco
Love and the Art of Narrative
In everyone there sleeps
A sense of life lived according to love.
To some it means the difference they could make
By loving others, but across most it sweeps
As all they might have done had they been loved.
That nothing cures.
– Philip Larkin
Not that long ago I was thinking about the creation of the heroic within narratives, biblical and otherwise (I think I was reading Dostoevski's The Idiot at the time; David James Duncan's The Brothers K would be a more recent example of what I'm talking about here).
In my journal (May 15, 2003) I wrote:
It is always the narrator who creates the heroic. It is the narrator who presents the ordinary in the extraordinary light. Therefore, any of us may yet be heroes were our stories only told. For this is how stories differ from our lives; in one we discover heroes, those we can admire; in the other we discover ourselves, in all our pettiness and malaise. We are neither strong enough to be heroes or villains. Rather we are poorly written secondary characters who appear for long enough to be slightly repulsive and quickly forgotten.
Or so it would seem if it were not for one thing – God. God is the master narrator. It is he who has crafted this world, it is he who will also one day recount the true and real story of our lives. There is yet hope that our lives will be far more significant than we can imagine.
Yet here's the thing. Our lives gain significance not in discovering that we were heroes all along. Our lives gain significance in discovering that, all along, we were Beloved. You see, the narrator is not some distant omniscient observer. The narrator is our Lover, himself entwined with the narrative.
A Note on Exile
I go into exile, not because I am forced into it but because I choose to enter, knowing that by doing so exile itself will be abolished.
Self-Identity: Trauma, Hope and the Flow of Time
I think that people who have suffered greatly often fall into two traps regarding self-identity and understanding. Not that that is their fault – it seems to be one of the inevitable results of trauma. Trauma leads to brokenness, one's world is shattered, and often, one's self is shattered along with it.
I find that people who have undergone trauma often:
(1) define themselves by the wrongs that have been committed against them.
and/or
(2) define themselves by the wrongs that they themselves have committed.
In both of these definitions there is a way in which the past maintains an iron grip over the individual. Something has happened in the past that is inescapable, the past is that which defines oneself and there's no getting out of it.
Now, I think the way in which we understand a seemingly abstract concept like the flow of time becomes surprisingly relevant in this regard.
I think that the common understanding of the flow of time is to see things moving from the past, into the present and then the future. We were, we are, we will be. The past moves into the present, the present moves into the future.
I would like to suggest (and here I am indebted to Moltmann… as always) that time actually flows the other direction. The future breaks into the present which then becomes the past. That which will be becomes that which is, and that which is becomes that which was.
So why is this significant?
This is hugely significant because if this is true then we are not defined by our past but by our future. If this is the case I can live a hopeful existence, not trapped within the realm of the wrongs committed against me, or the wrongs I myself have performed. Not only that but, because I have some sense of the nature of the hope that I hold, I am able to live a liberated existence in the present. Because it is this future that defines me and can start to live within it now.
And if this assured hope is one that consists of love relationship and an ever deeper movement into intimacy then I will not define myself by any type of wrongdoing, whether my own or somebody else's. Instead I will come to know myself as Beloved, with all the beauty, freedom and joy that that entails.
Alternate Spellings of Krista
Last spring I wrote this dream down in one of my journals but since moving out here I think I lost that journal. Damn. I’ve been meaning to type it out so I guess sooner would be better than later. It’s funny because I had just wrapped up a series of reflections based on my work at the drop-in for street kids and the shelter for men in Toronto. I was in the middle of wrapping up my TA job developing a course called “Youth and Homelessness”. That Toronto chapter of my life was in the midst of ending when I had this dream.
I was riding the train to go and visit my brother who was in the hospital recovering from surgery. I took the Subway to Union Station and then hopped on the GO Train to Oakville. Somehow I ended up sitting next to a couple of younger girls who turned out to be street-involved. I chatted with them, especially one girl, who’s name, I found out, was Krista. She was 19 and had been street-involved since she was 12. It’s sort of embarrassing and I wouldn’t mention this if I didn’t think it was significant but, in the dream, there was a flirtatious element to our conversation.
Anyway, I got to my destination, spent the day visiting my brother and his wife and ended up back at Union Station waiting for the Subway home. Looking around the crowd on the platform I noticed Krista in the act of propositioning a young man. It turns out that the young man was a tourist and was traveling with his mother! The mother absolutely freaked out and started yelling at Krista, calling her a slut, a whore, basically every demeaning name she could think of came flying out of her mouth. Well, Krista is embarrassed and upset and starts yelling back at the mom, things like, “You don’t know me, you don’t know what I’ve been through! You can’t judge me!” The mom just keeps screaming though and I end up getting furious, because, fuck, she doesn’t know what Krista’s been through. I know enough to know that I can’t imagine what it would be like. I walk over and end up intervening, pulling Krista aside and riding the train back to Finch Station with her. On the way we end up talking about all sorts of things, God and suffering, life and love and our various experiences. When we arrive in the Station the whole place is empty, closed for the night, but it turns out Krista had swung a deal to make a little extra money cleaning the floors. I volunteer to help her and end up working down at the track level while she goes to work on the level of the buses. Time goes by, I finish my job and decide to go home. I head up the stairs and run into three construction workers heading down to the tracks. They look completely shocked, freeze-up and stare at me with open mouths. At first I thought they were just surprised to find me there but they just keep staring and I start wondering, “okay, what the hell is going on here?” Finally, one of them approaches me sort of timidly and half whispers, half stutters, “ummmm… y-y-your glowing.” For a minute I get a glimpse of myself from outside of myself and I realize there is a white light shining off of my face and letters of fire written above my head.
At that point I start waking up. I enter into that state where you’re partly awake but still in the middle of your dream. I start to wonder if there is something significant going on. My first reaction is to think that the light represents my Christian identity – called to be a light to the world. So I decide I’ve got to find Krista and share this light with her. But after searching through the station I’m unable to find her and decide that there’s a different interpretation.
That’s when I think of two things simultaneously. The first is Moses coming down from the mountain after meeting with God. After being in the presence of the Divine there is a light that shines from Moses’ face. The second is realizing that “Krista” doesn’t have to be spelled with a “K”. If spelled “Christa” it is actually a feminine form of the word “Christ”. Then everything falls into place. It is in our encounters with the oppressed that we meet with Christ, it is in the suffering that we discover the presence of the Divine, and it is by journeying in relationship with these people that we then become lights to the world. That also explains the whole flirtatious element that seemed so out of character – at the same time as this dream I was just beginning to pursue the idea of knowing God as Lover.
The funny thing is what tipped me off to this interpretation. There is an abandoned house in the neighborhood where I was living and I sometimes went there to journal or just think. It was good to get some time away from everything, I enjoyed the solitude that comes in the midst of the noises made by a house in the state of slow decay. The night before I had gone to that house and found a book on the kitchen counter (that actually wasn’t there the last time I visited). It’s funny because it was a book that I already owned – a series of reflections by the priest who started Covenant House called, “Sometimes God has a Kid’s Face”.
Crosses imposed by the Church
Thirteen years old in the suburbs of Denver, standing in line for Thanksgiving dinner at the Catholic church.
The servers wore crosses to shield from the sufferance plaguing the others.
Styrofoam plates, cafeteria tables,
Charity reeks of cheap wine and pity.
– Death Cab for Cutie
It's a true critique.
Somewhere along the way the cross has become a symbol of what separates Christians from others. It's become a symbol of who's in and who's out. Everywhere I go I can have a little comfort in the cross I wear, “Thank God I'm not like one of these damned souls.”
The thing is the cross should have incredibly different results. The cross is not a badge we wear to remind of us our privilege; the cross is something that will end up wearing us if we are truly following Jesus. It should serve to only further unite us with those around us. Ultimately, it's about empathy, about a love so deep, an identification with others that is so strong, that it is willing to suffer forsakenness and death.
Somewhere along the way Christians have confused pity for compassion. And us/them mentality is one of the strongest things contributing to this problem. Pity is a barrier to relationship, pity is deprecating. Compassion is essentially relational and reveals itself as such.
The thing that I'm coming to realize is that this will always be so. The church will always consist of a mixed group, those who call themselves the people of God, and those who truly are.
You see, I always thought the cross that I carried was the result of empathizing with the suffering, of journeying in love relationships with the forsaken.
At best that's only half the picture.
An equally heavy, or even heavier, part of that burden is imposed by journeying with a people who claim to belong to God yet have totally rejected everything to do with God. The significance of the role of the Jewish leaders in Jesus' death is not found in their ethnicity but in the fact that they are the representatives of God's people. Ultimately, the cross is imposed because the people of God reject the Messiah. I carry this cross not simply because I journey in love relationships with the broken but because the church has placed it upon my shoulders. The only reason why Jesus' ministry did not result in a year of Jubilee and in a universal release of captives, cancellation of debts, restoration of right relationships, etc., is because the people of God rejected him. The only reason why Jesus' ministry was marked by suffering and humiliation, instead of power and glory, was because the people of God forced him to go that route. The amazing thing is that the way of suffering is, in fact, the way of glory, the way of power is found in humiliation, resurrection life is the end result of crucifixion – that's what Paul's getting at in his hymn in Philippians 2.
And, the thing is, I don't think it can be any other way. It's the same route we will travel if we are desiring to be like Christ. Our lives should be marked by victory in all things. We should be releasing all captives, giving sight to the blind, providing a feast for the hungry and joy to those in mourning. Yet, we can only do this paradoxically by entering into the forsakenness of the abandoned, the hunger of the starving and the sorrow of the mourners because the people of God, as a body, have turned their back on their vocation. Our road to glory must also be one that leads to crucifixion.
Laughing
The splash of bells on glass – I look up in time to see the steam rising from your shoulders as you step in from the driving rain.
I comment on how free you look when your make-up is running in lines down your face and laughter is curling at the corners of your mouth.
~
Why, in crowds, are we always trying to hide the life that is bursting forth from inside of us?
Sometimes I find myself singing aloud when riding a bus full of strangers. Sometimes I laugh when I see the frozen expressions on the faces of those I walk by… of course, that only causes them to freeze up all the more. No, I’m not laughing at you, I think you’re beautiful, honestly, I do. Come alive, come alive!
Why should our hearts not dance?
In laughter or in grief.
Why should our hearts not be revealed?
Why are we so eager to maintain some semblance of apathetic anonymity? I guess when we’re anonymous we can delude ourselves into believing that others have bought into the image we present, we can fool ourselves into thinking we have convinced others that we are everything we pretend to be but know we are not.
How much of our lives do we waste crafting a world of illusion around ourselves?
~
This tobacco tastes like cherries and I realize I haven’t heard a word you said. You start again but, just as quickly, I am lost. Not that it matters, it is enough for both of us that we are here together.